Thursday Nighters - Campaign Log

"Bold and Brassy" - An autobiographical account of the doings of Count Basil De Brass, gentleman adventurer, as related by him to the brain in the jar, by means of his superior mental powers…

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Entry Number 2: Insults being offered to the ladies, are properly and promptly addressed:

Ahem, Well- I should warn you all in advance that this is an upsetting sort of a tale, that relates events that may cause some discomfit for the discerning gentleman - and should probably not be shared with gently bred ladies of a retiring disposition.

Not sure really that I should go on at this point, but interests of science, etc, and the greater good of all etc. Suppose I am compelled.

Now, anyone will tell you that I like to be well turned out, and dressed for the occasion. So when Pandexter dropped us out of the pocket place into the swamp place (well, its edge really), my thoughts naturally turned to what would be the appropriate attire.

My usual rig was fine for a trip by magic carpet, in the company of a gentleman of Pandexter's stamp, with ladies of consequence (plus attendants). But clearly was not appropriate for punting and the like. Not to be thought of!

Now as it turns out, the demon trapped inside me ain't got much consideration for niceties of a social nature, and he kicked up a bit of a fuss when I began to reshape myself. Turns out this demony fellow can't be no gentleman at all. Which ain't very surprising in a demon, but is always a bit of a disappointment.

Of course, I do not resile myself from any conflict, demon be damned I say! Be assured, he will get his comeuppance in time. But he and I have to rub along together for a few more weeks yet, and I will bring him to book when I choose.

In the meantime, best to keep him at arms length and keep him quiet. Sacrifices are called for from us all, and I ain't such a flat as to give a demon the upper hand when I don't have to. So I remain resplendent in evening dress - and offer my apologies to the ladies for that.

Or at least I will do if we ever actually manage to set off on our expedition into the swamp place and my attire actually becomes inappropriate!

As it is we have spent some days waiting for the big people to work out how they are going to get through the swamp. No consideration of course, for what they will wear beyond deciding that armour was not appropriate (with which I have to agree, though Reef should have found a more delicate way of voicing his objections!), frankly I had no expectations. Unfortunately it's just been boats, boats, boats since we arrived.

Talis, bless her, was all activity. Climbing in and out of the various vessels that Pandora has provided and pushing them around exuberantly, using various paddling apparatus and the like, and to some considerable if misdirected effect.

Of course I do say misdirected, though pon my word I do not mean to be harsh. But it just all seems so unnecessary to me as on many occasions in the past I have demonstrated "Count Basils Patent Invincible Flyer", and I am sure that with a little application and will the big folk could learn to use one.

Also, I have often been assisted in my aeronautical activities by Pandora who is of course, remarkably strong. Surely if the big folk asked politely she could be prevailed upon to offer similar assistance to them? Why, a better natured, more giving soul I have never met!

Still, one has to accept that the big folk know their business, except of course clearly they do not, but one SHOULD accept it anyway.

Now, one of the many excellent things about being made entirely of brass, is that one is never caught at a stand in certain situations, and twas not long after Talis's latest nautical escapade that one of these situations arose.

This was very inconvenient for Talis, as having removed all her armour when paddling etc, she found herself to be unable to receive the rascals who chose this moment to assail us, while appropriately attired.

Receiving an ambush is one of the few social occasions where being clad from head to foot in strong armour, is not only appropriate, but also wholly desirable. Gentlemen would of course have given Talis the time required to remedy the faults in her dress before proceeding with the ambuscade, but these assailants were no Gentlemen.

They were in general a bunch of raggedy fellows, and not of any consequence save one of them. Now this fellow chose to advance towards us along the edge of the swamp while his compatriots came at us through the woods.

Talis, seeing that only one of her assailants was of any worth, immediately moved forward to engage, leaving her attendants Reef and Chase to deal with the others.

Bless her, she fell to her task with a will, swinging mightily a solid blow that would have carved the bounder like a vole beneath the plough, had he not cheated in a most dastardly fashion by using his shield to block her - which since Talis had none, he should have cast aside!

I have often wondered how it is that the wretches who perpetrate acts of violence towards gently bred ladies manage to reconcile themselves with their own conscience after such baseness, and being as I am, a man of a forgiving disposition, I have resolved to help them find a reconciliation of sorts by speeding them from this world to the next with all possible dispatch.

So you will readily be able to imagine how I felt when I saw this unutterable, and wholly despicable cad compound his earlier error by seeking to, and indeed succeeding in, striking a lady with his sword.

There, now this vileness is said, though sadly enough there is yet more and worse vileness to come.

Reef of course, seeing his earlier error in deserting his mistress and leaving her to face a belted knight alone, rushed to her aid and was promptly beheaded.

At this point it should probably be pointed out that he was not wearing the armour that had so generously been provided for him by Pandora, and indeed the armour about which he had earlier been heard to make disparaging remarks.

I draw no conclusions here, and of course beheading could be seen as being overly harsh under the circumstances, but certain people whom I shall not name should properly see this as an instructive and timely lesson in appropriate behaviour.

Now, I gave what aid I could, and though one almost felt soiled in doing so, grappled mightily with the murderous swine's mind. Indeed so fearfully did I try him that he was utterly unmanned, quailing before me, the wretch, and crying out "the unholy, oh the unholy terror of it all", while pointing a trembling finger towards me.

Pandora, bless her kind heart, took pity on him, though really she should not have, and blinded him - I can only presume to offer him some respite from the fury of my countenance, or perhaps in order to shield him from at least the visible reminders of his prior wickedness towards Talis.

Chase also was recalled to his duty in time, and finished him off with a few competently enough placed arrows. To be fair to him, it was good work, well done. In fact, a useful contribution. It was unfortunate that shortly afterwards he fell beneath the relentless swords of uncounted foes. But he deserves a measure of credit for the manner of his dying.

With no more than eight or nine of the bloody handed villains left contesting the field at this stage, one could have said that the worst was over. Talis, with Pandora's aid had regained her composure, and stood ready to meet their onset, and of course my own sword was yet un-bloodied in my hand.

After all, their leader was dead, and only the commoners remained. No one would have reproached them had they obeyed their proper instincts and given way to quality as all habitual usage demands.

But it seems that in these late days the old courtesies are not respected as they once were, and instead the poor fools chose to press on with their doomed venture.

I would like to believe that it was misguided loyalty to their fallen leader, even though he was black hearted villain and in no way worth the consideration, but pon my word – I cannot. These debased fools thought they would be triumphant, and indeed were willing to commit any act, no matter how wicked to pursue their chosen means of self-destruction.

Of course, they charged, and of course they immediately fell prey to Pandoras magic, flailing about the place as they tried to keep their feet. Twould have been comical under different circumstances, but we were a bit pressed at the time. Besides, Reef and Chase had been recently killed in the presence of ladies (which was unfortunate and a little upsetting for them), so perhaps levity would not have been entirely appropriate.

Now, my first target was the murderous blackguard who had dispatched Chase, as he lay defenseless on the ground. Metal I master and Metals master I am, and as it happens he was wearing a chain shirt. By his actions, he deserved no consideration from me, so I plucked him from the ground and pitched him headfirst into the swamp. No doubt this was an instructive experience for him, but one from which he will unfortunately not benefit, as the mud was most glutinous, and his struggles necessarily brief as it took him.

Talis also, was playing her part with a truly admirable and vigorous display of swordsmanship. Bit too much of the edge for may taste you know, but nonetheless effective for that. She danced amongst her numerous foes, putting the cads well and truly in their place. Oh Ho what a sight!

It is always instructive to observe the behaviour of the common herd when faced with adversity, even when this adversity is entirely born of their own stupidity and lack of foresight. So often, they lose all sense of moral compass and brutishly lash out at those who deserve nought from them but their own consideration, and indeed loyalty.

I can only presume that as they saw their doom writ large before them that they lost all composure, for what passed next was beyond any wickedness yet seen before. It can only have sprung from a hatred of all that is beautiful, right, and proper in this world and only my own desire to fully discharge my obligations compels me to record it here.

Put bluntly, and there is no other way to put it, one of these poltroons deliberately shot Pandora, with his crossbow. And, what's more did her grievous harm in doing so. For, as you know, unlike myself Pandora ain't entirely made of brass.

Well, what fury gripped me I am sure you need not imagine, and in a trice this fellow was struggling headfirst in the mud like his comrades. I was a titan of rage, and Talis matched me in her furious sword play. Not a one of the brigands survived our vengeance.

Pandora, was of course some time in recovering from this harsh usage. But there is no keeping her down, you know, and once up and about she insisted on repairing our dead elves. So we have them back again, all right and tight – though truth to be told I think that the wrong one ended up in each body. Still least said soonest mended and all that.

I am still "feeling" as I should you know, and damned uncomfortable speaking about it in this blunt manner. Presumably the earlier matters I related regarding the unquiet demon are of some intellectual interest to you, I can assure you that they are of none to me.